when comparing myself to the normal way that people have traditionally lived life, my way of pursuing what i wanted went against the grain. the system has made it nearly impossible to chase a true calling without an immense amount of help from an outside source. beyond you. most people and even myself are intimidated by that. “i would have to be a burden and need to rely on someone my whole life” is the thought i would excessively think about. you do need money to survive. you do need money to provide. however. if you truly live your calling, God WILL provide. i am a living testimony. people have helped along the way, but my dependance is not on man. it’s on God. there’s a permanent design engraved in my soul. the desire that i should be experiencing something more. God has more for me. not materialistic, but peace, love, patience, kindness, an abundance of all these things. he wants nothing more than to freely give us these gifts. my brain couldn’t fathom the thought that after i graduate college that i go straight into the work force and that's it. that's my life. so finding what God has for me has been my journey. i have met so many people and been on so many cool adventures. i have been more productive for the kingdom rather than things that are temporary here. BUT there is an opposite force of evil trying everything to feed horrible thoughts that “im crazy” “im never gonna be able to provide” “im never going to amount to anything”. and when you are on the will of God there will be warfare. so i made this piece stating what i thought i was at the time. the host of lack.